I read through Brendan's surgical packet and the anxiety hit me. I know this surgery isn't nearly as evasive as some others. I know it isn't heart surgery or hip surgery, just some tendon releases. Just tell my brain that because no matter what I can't control this feeling and the constant tears welling up. I just can't. I try. I tell myself everything will be fine. He is a trooper. He always handles everything great but for some reason my brain just doesn't listen to all that and the anxiety over runs me. I had to make a ton of phone calls today to get insurance all in place. He needed cardiac clearance and I have to take him in to get some bloodwork done. I think I made all the phone calls needed. I still have a few more but I need to wait another week.
This procedure may be a miracle and it may benefit him and all this anxiety will be worth it...I hope. Some days I wish it were easier. Some days I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this. Who in the hell has to go through all of this on a daily basis. I swear there is always something to stress over or think about or wonder if I should be doing for him. I just want this feeling to go away for a while. I want to know what it feels like to not have CP in my life. I forget what it is like. I forget what it is like to not stress about my children and sometimes I hate it! Sometimes I just get pissed off and other times I just cry for no apparent reasone accept for it sucks!
Okay I guess I needed to vent today. It isn't helping. :(
It was Thanksgiving day back in 2002. I was only 23 years old and my life forever changed on that day. I had a placental abruption and Brendan was born at 33 weeks. He lost oxygen during delivery due to incompetent care but was a fighter and turned 17 this year. My journey in life over the past 17 years took many turns I was not expecting but I try to stay strong and have my husband by my side even when I am not.
sorry you are having such a tough time. i know how itf eels to try to talk yourself through anxiety i do it alot too it doesnt help when you are facing a proceedure it helps to talk though and let it flow. I want to wish bren luck with his surgery and i will be praying taht it is helpful to him he is a tough lil boy and try to think of the positive things that could come from this i know its not easy but it may help a little good luck to all of you
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs your way! I can't begin to imagine what you are going through in preparation for this surgery but I do get so much of what your feeling about CP in general. So know that you're not alone and feel free to vent anytime. I'm always here to "listen"....well, read. :)
ReplyDeleteHugs from me too! I feel your heart here. Our kids have to endure so much. But, I know this surgery will help sweet Brendan out so much. I have read so many great things about other kids who have had it, and most of them have good walking post op--with and without walkers. I think it is important to vent or we explode. I think you are an awesome mother for caring so very much and offering such an amazing opportunity for Brendan.
ReplyDeleteAn operation is still an operation. You are allowed to vent.
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