Brendan is growing up way too fast.

Brendan turns 17 next month. I am not entirely sure how this is even possible. 17 scares me. 17 means he is almost an adult. Most of you are probably excited as your children reach adulthood but I am terrified. Everything changes. He exits high school. I have to become his guardian because he is clearly not capable of making serious decisions on his own. He begins day programs and I have to really hope we find something that works for him and that he enjoys. These things have been running through my mind constantly and I am stressing out. I think once we start the process on all of these things I will feel better. I am just waiting for it and that gives me anxiety. So many unknowns.

Although half the time I am stressed out the other half I am beyond thankful. Brendan has come so far in life. He seriously handles this life better than I could ever have handled it. He has had 13 surgeries! I have only ever had my wisdom teeth out. I can't imagine being cut open. Yet he goes in so strong and comes out even stronger. He is stuck in a wheelchair yet he is happy. He is becoming more and more independent. He is constantly maturing. Throughout his life my husband and I often have conversations revolving around Brendan. By often I mean daily! Years ago we wondered if we would ever be able to carry on a real conversation with him and now we do! Years ago we wondered if he would ever mature and not act like an immature kid and he does! Not always but he often blows me away with what he says and asks. I never ever thought he would be able to use the bathroom on his own and yet he does. I never thought he would be able to get his covers off and sit up and wait for us to come dress him in the morning but he does every single day. I never ever thought he could get off his bus and enter the house 100% independently and he currently is. He is simply amazing!

I feel like we, well lets be serious.... me, have made great decisions over the years. I have had to make many difficult decisions. I have had to say yes to way too many surgeries. But overall I truly feel that they have all been the right decision. I honestly do not think he would be where he is today without going through the many difficult times. When I look back I am flabbergasted on how amazing he is going under the knife. He has been casted and braced and stuck in bed for days and whenever we think back we are like, WOW, he handled that amazingly well. I keep telling myself this because I am trying to prepare myself for spinal surgery. His scoliosis doesn't look good. His back is deforming more and more as he grows. I hate this. I hate that I couldn't prevent it. I hate that I blame myself for it. I hate that this could very well be surgery #14. I cry instantly thinking about it. My husband normally showers and dresses him and didn't want to bring it up to me the other morning but he did. I instantly started bawling my eyes out because I already knew. I gave him a shower days before. I notice everything. I know it is getting worse and I am avoiding it but that won't do anyone any good. It is time for x rays and it is time to hear the news I never ever wanted to hear. In all honesty this surgery scares the sh*t out of me. I have started to read stories about it because I know it is coming. I am trying to prepare myself.

This CP life is not easy. Not only for him but for everyone that loves him. I never knew I would live this life full of heartache and stress. Almost 17 years in, now that is crazy! I am hear for the long haul. I will do what is best for him, at least I try. I often wonder if I should have corrected his left hip and if not doing so caused his scoliosis?! I want to think I made the best decisions but then I question myself.

So hear is to 17! Maybe I am wrong and he doesn't need surgery. Honestly I am not usually wrong, my mom radar is on par.

Now to leave this post on a good note. Brendan decided to attend the Homecoming dance this year. He hasn't wanted to go to dances in years now and randomly he told me he wanted to go (days before the dance of course) and he looked awesome! His pants look so much better in person. My husband wheeled him over to me in Burlington Coat Factory wearing them and I was like OMG I love them! Girls danced with him and Senior boys took him out on the dance floor. I really think he will attend his Prom and I was just convincing myself that it is okay if he doesn't experience it if he doesn't want to. I am one happy mama.