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Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Dream

I had 'the dream' again. A particular milestone has been creeping into my subconscious more and more since Brendan had SDR. I used to have the dream once in a blue moon, maybe a few times since he was born! But lately it has been much more constant. The dream is never the same like some nightmares can be. This dream pulls at my heart because I honestly don't think it will ever become a reality.

I dream that Brendan can walk. Completely unaided. No walker, no help from his mom and step dad holding him up. He just walks.

His walking doesn't exactly look 'normal' even in my dreams. I have no idea what he would even look like walking on his own. He really struggles with his right leg and I fear it will never be able to gain the strength it needs. Last night I vividly remember every second of the dream. He was sitting on the recliner in our living room and he just stood up and took these fast tiny steps, more of a shuffle, across the room. It was really fast like if he didn't move that fast he would fall down and he had this huge smile on his face. He walked, shuffled, right into my arms. I was kneeling on the floor across the room next to our couch and I started crying, sobbing uncontrollably. I was so proud of him and I just didn't expect it. I don't know if I will ever feel the emotions I felt in my dream but I can live with that.

This dream is bittersweet. I do not know if he will ever walk on his own even after every surgery, every therapy, every hour of effort he has put in over the last 13 years. While sitting here typing I don't know what to feel. I know he doesn't need to walk unaided. I don't live life wishing he would walk or hate that he is in a wheelchair or needs to use a walker. I have come to terms with his disability and am at complete acceptance. I am at peace with it all. I have come to realize I am a bit of a perfectionist. I tend to be an over achiever which isn't always a bad thing. Not to mention I am his mother so I can't just sit back and not help him achieve the highest level of mobility that he can. I feel as his mother it is my job to do everything in my power to make his life easier while I can. I know when he is an adult he won't have to work out and can sit in a wheelchair all day and there is nothing I can do. BUT if I motivate him enough and get him to 'want' it (to walk) then maybe just maybe it will happen and he will have a much easier life. I think since he has hit his teens I am starting to fear adulthood. It pains me to think about him living without me. Someone else taking care of him or someone not being there when he needs something. This fear has been with me for sometime but is definitely intensifying the older he becomes.

Life raising a disabled child is NEVER easy and a part of my heart will always be effected until the day I die. I love him with all my heart and I am so proud of how far he has come and apparently I secretly hope that one day I can share a video of independent steps for everyone to see and not just for my eyes in my dreams.


Sheila said...

You are SO right, this is NEVER easy! I am fearing adulthood too and we've had several conversations recently about how scary it is to think about Malayna living without us. So I totally feel your pain! The progress Brendan has made over the years is amazing though. And that's because he has an amazing Mom!!

We take it day by day said...

thank you. You would think it gets easier as they get older but it gets harder in some ways. I can't imagine not being in control and how will I not worry every second he is on his own.