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Monday, March 14, 2011

Anxiety is setting in

I read through Brendan's surgical packet and the anxiety hit me. I know this surgery isn't nearly as evasive as some others. I know it isn't heart surgery or hip surgery, just some tendon releases. Just tell my brain that because no matter what I can't control this feeling and the constant tears welling up. I just can't. I try. I tell myself everything will be fine. He is a trooper. He always handles everything great but for some reason my brain just doesn't listen to all that and the anxiety over runs me. I had to make a ton of phone calls today to get insurance all in place. He needed cardiac clearance and I have to take him in to get some bloodwork done. I think I made all the phone calls needed. I still have a few more but I need to wait another week.
This procedure may be a miracle and it may benefit him and all this anxiety will be worth it...I hope. Some days I wish it were easier. Some days I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this. Who in the hell has to go through all of this on a daily basis. I swear there is always something to stress over or think about or wonder if I should be doing for him. I just want this feeling to go away for a while. I want to know what it feels like to not have CP in my life. I forget what it is like. I forget what it is like to not stress about my children and sometimes I hate it! Sometimes I just get pissed off and other times I just cry for no apparent reasone accept for it sucks!
Okay I guess I needed to vent today. It isn't helping. :(


jenny said...

sorry you are having such a tough time. i know how itf eels to try to talk yourself through anxiety i do it alot too it doesnt help when you are facing a proceedure it helps to talk though and let it flow. I want to wish bren luck with his surgery and i will be praying taht it is helpful to him he is a tough lil boy and try to think of the positive things that could come from this i know its not easy but it may help a little good luck to all of you

Sheila said...

Sending big hugs your way! I can't begin to imagine what you are going through in preparation for this surgery but I do get so much of what your feeling about CP in general. So know that you're not alone and feel free to vent anytime. I'm always here to "listen"....well, read. :)

Amy said...

Hugs from me too! I feel your heart here. Our kids have to endure so much. But, I know this surgery will help sweet Brendan out so much. I have read so many great things about other kids who have had it, and most of them have good walking post op--with and without walkers. I think it is important to vent or we explode. I think you are an awesome mother for caring so very much and offering such an amazing opportunity for Brendan.

April said...

An operation is still an operation. You are allowed to vent.