Sunday, August 23, 2020
Me, Myself and I
Exactly that. Me, myself and I. What does that mean exactly? I get 4 days 100% to myself. I get to do whatever I want. I am camping, alone, which I wasn't 100% sure about but this mom needs it! My husband and I started this tradition last year. Since we have 5 kids and one is disabled it is impossible for anyone to take care of our kids for us. Let's be honest our parents are getting older and they can no longer care for Brendan. It is hard on our back nevermind theirs. So once a year we get a small break. This year Covid 19 almost ruined it. I enjoy going to a hotel but I had no choice. It was way too expensive and I had to stay in our state which didn't give many options for the price I wanted to pay. Since we have an RV, we should use it! We rented a site for 8 days so my husband and I just switch off and each get 4 days of total bliss! Do I feel guitly? YUP! Should I? probably not. I am 100% a mom! I am 40 and have been a mother for nearly 18 years and since my oldest is disabled let me say my motherhood hasn't been easy. I am in it 100% and love having my huge family. I just totally need a break for my sanity once in a blue moon so I am so grateful that we thought of doing this and my husband is totally capable of handling the house, our business and 5 kids. I am pretty lucky! Being 40 is tough. I am struggling mentally and have no idea why. I don't think it is my fault. I think it is totaly normal but it just sucks. I am probably burnt out as well. I go go go and go some more. We do everything for our kids. We have one driving and one turning 18, another turning 13 and still 2 young ones. At least the youngest finally sleeps through the night. I may be a lot worse if that wasn't the case. Anyway I get 4 days to myself and here I am thinking about my family. I honestly just want to know what they are all doing right now. I love them beyond words. I also am super excited to relax and not have to answer to anyone. I get to do what I want, eat what I want, drink what I want and not have to cater to anyone. I don't have to cook for 7 people. I don't have to get up 1000 times to do who knows what. I can actually sit here and think without being interrupted because that is basically an impossible task in that house. What am I going to do by myself for 4 days? Whatever I want. I had dinner, attempted to light a fire with damp wood, relaxed in a hammock, sat in a chair and am now peacefully sitting inside of my camper in complete silence. Well, I did play some music.....and without children requesting any of their songs. I think all moms deserve some time. I know some get 'girls weekends' but I don't really have any friends. Sad but true. Raising a disabled child doesn't always allow for friends. I think a lot of people feel awkard around him even though I don't make it awkward at all and try 1000 percent to treat him like a typical child and act like it is no big deal that he is in a wheelchair. I try and make friends and they never last. I kind of realized why recently when I had a mom friend (our 8 year old kids are friends) over. I had to leave her so many times to go 'help' Brendan. We tried sitting and chatting and I constantly had to get up. For me it is normal life but obviously for 'them' it isn't. on a side note She is actually totally awesome had hasn't given up on me yet and did come over again while my husband was home so we actually got to sit and chat with zero interupptions. It is partly my fault because I have become totally anti-social. I don't know why because I do enjoy being around other people and talking to females or anyone other than my husband whom I am with 100% of the time. I think partly because I was so consumed by Brendan for so long I just couldn't relate to anyone. I miss having friends and chatting with other females but I understand it is hard for other people to see past this kid in a wheelchair that is always needing me for something. So I will just enjoy my time in complete solitude. Actually I decided to drive here multiple times today so I could have a vehicle with me and leave the campground and actually go shopping and not worry about a time frame at all! I don't need to worry about a bored child, running home to feed children lunch or dinner or even saying 'no' to their million requests. I get to leave here and do whatever the heck I want and take as long as I want. What does that even feel like? I don't think I know becuase i have't really had that luxery in almost 18 years! So driving over 4 hours today will be totally worth it!!! So if you are a speical needs mom or any mom for that matter, take some time for yourself. You deserve it. I will do my best not to feel guilty especially when my 5 year old sends me a video of how much she misses me!!!! I will say Brendan was totally mature about all of this. He came to drop me off and he never melted down about it. He usually would be an absolute mess that I was leaving him with my husband for days but he didn't even make me feel guilty. He told me he would miss me, how sweet is that! I am beyond proud and am so beyond thankful that he continues to mature and grow mentally. I can't even believe how far he has come in life. The little things still blow me away constantly!